Oh God. I couldn’t even type Mid Twenties without a flash back of everything that happened in my life. I have done absolutely NOTHING that made a difference in the world, which just crushed my dreams of being a hot rock star/novelist/entrepreneur with her own line of lingerie travelling the globe with her two best friends, buying everything we want because we’re freakin’ rich, but not forgetting the other people by being the most awesome ambassador UN has ever had. *and breath*
I thought the dreaded peer pressure would be over once I got through with college, well, the first college, since I’m taking another shot at it now.
Anyway, it kind of feels like I’m left behind, and to make matters even worst, there are now two categories of happiness that you must fit in to, if you don’t fit in to any category, you’re a sad loser, you’re me.
Family and Career - if you’re really good, you have both by now.
Basically, the Family category started when I noticed that almost every month, someone I know gets married or pregnant. Back then, when we were younger, my reaction to an unplanned pregnancy (which will then precede marriage due to cultural influences) would be, “What the fuck were they thinking?” and now, all I have to say for it is, “Congratulations! I’m so glad you’re happy.” And I feel so envious of that happiness, I want to kill myself for feeling that way. Don’t get me wrong, I am so glad to still be able to enjoy my life without worrying about babies and a cheating husband, but, how come every time I see a newborn baby’s picture on my news feed in Facebook, I feel left behind? Getting pregnant for me, at the state I’m at right now, is an escape from reality that will come at a great cost - my dreams. Sure, if I decide to get married or get pregnant now, my timeline will be up to date, up to par with the others - but the thing is, I’m gonna have to skip working on my dreams, I won’t have a career and I wouldn’t have had the chance to at least work for it. I would have to give up my dreams as an individual. Still, somewhere at the back of my mind, stands an inarticulate devil whose holding up a huge cardboard sign saying, “Babies. Husband. Everyone else doing it. You now.” Is this, *dun dun dun* peer pressure?
But it’s okay, I know the Family category isn’t quite for me yet anyway. So let’s move on to the next one.
Career - now this one stings like fuck, excuse the language.
You know when you say you’re just enjoying college so much that you don’t wanna leave yet? Yeah, that excuse kinda becomes invalid so fast that even you have to stop believing it sooner or later. I mean, all your friends will graduate eventually, nobody will be left to enjoy college life with. By now, my friends all have successful careers, some have already traveled the world, and me? I’m stuck. I did another degree, and wasted the last one because I didn’t wanna be a freakin’ nurse. Still don’t want to, FYI.
Though I confess, I really did get in my own way; I could’ve learned to love what I was studying before, but I was just too stubborn. Yes Mom, I now accept the fact that it wasn’t all your fault for forcing me in to it, and that I am the one to blame in my past failures at school. Even though you’re in heaven now, I can still sense that you’re doing a victory dance there. Yes I declare defeat, so stop dancing already.
Anyway, since almost everyone is earning moolah for themselves already, and buying cars and houses - I feel yet again, left behind. Somehow, I just want to get this second college over with and start earning heaps of money already, so that I can be in tune with my own time line again, you know?
But I guess moping around and complaining that I haven’t done anything yet won’t make me a better person. I’m sure everyone has their own “pace”, their own goals, and own priorities in life, and it’s okay that I’m taking my time, because right now, I’m doing something to turn things around. It might take 2 and a half more years, but I’ll get there. I’m sure that sooner or later, I’ll catch up with my friends, not because I felt pressured or anything, but because I’m ready.